Transformers - Review

"Transformers"

Rating: 2 out of 4 stars

I can't really think of a good way to start this review because there a ton of things I wanna touch on. So let me make the obvious clear: despite what seemingly everyone else has told me, "Transformers" is not "AMAZING!," or "THE BEST MOVIE EVER!" There are some very good things about it; there are also some very bad things. And the movie is too long. Scratch that - the movie is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Here is the plot of this movie: The good transformers (Autobots) and the bad transformers (Decepticons) are both going after the Allspark (a really big cube). The location to this cube is embedded in a pair of glasses that Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) owns.
Wait for it.
Waaaaaaaait for it.
...There's nothing to wait for! That's the whole plot! Yet this movie is almost TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG. Now you ask yourself, how can this be? Oh wait...it's directed by Michael Bay! Cue the gratuitous violence and overly long battle sequences. Yes, the visual effects are excellent, and the transformers themselves look fabulous. Unfortunately, the effects are wasted in many scenes, such as the chaotic end battle which is way too long, way too confusing, and is just constant nonstop mayhem. Buildings blowing up, transformers crashing through buildings, hitting each other, killing each other, humans firing stuff, Shia LeBeouf running around, Shia LeBeouf somehow not getting caught by Megatron, transformers firing their own weapons, transformers turning into jets, jets firing at transformers, jets firing at transformer jets, and a bunch of stuff that I honestly just forgot because of how unmemorable it was. A movie this big should have a memorable ending, not a mediocre one. And the action sequences...yes, there's a lot of shit being blown up, and it's all very cool effects-wise...but they are just so chaotic, you can't get overly excited by them. Nobody really knows what the hell is going on, least of all me. There are also plotholes so big you could drive Optimus Prime's GMC truck through them. I know, I know, it's Transformers, and the plot is probably secondary...but still. The Transformers learned English through "the World Wide Web." But Megatron has been frozen since the 19th century and knows how to speak English. Whatever.
All right, time for more stupid things. The subplot involving that Australian girl (Rachael Taylor) and whoever the hell Anthony Anderson plays (Anthony Anderson) goes absolutely nowhere and serves no purpose whatsoever in the movie. The random Linkin Park music was out of place. The Transformers are this HUGE GIGANTIC ROBOTS and they can just stand there in clear sight in Sam's backyard? Or chase him in the middle of the day...and nobody will notice? And did I mention HOW FRIGGIN LONG this movie is?? Well I'll mention it again. IT'S WAY TOO LONG!!!
I know this is more of a rambling than a review and doesn't have much of an organization or sense to it, but hey, that's similar to the movie. There is some good stuff though, so let's go to that. The movie actually works pretty damn well as a comedy. LeBeouf seems very natural in the lead role and is a funny character throughout. John Turturro, who plays agent Simmons of Sector Seven, gives a very zany, off-beat performance, that will annoy the hell out of you at first but wins you over at the end. Sam's parents are a very funny duo, and a cameo from Bernie Mac had me laughing out loud. But the comic relief shouldn't be the best part of a movie about GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER. This is a movie that should have kept me entertained the entire way through. Yet at the end of this movie I was bored. That's right, a blockbuster movie, about giant alien robot transformer things, with a fairly big name cast (LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Hugo Weaving), lots of stuff blowing up, and an enormous budget had me BORED at the end. Thank you, Michael Bay.